The Message in the Mess

By Valorie Burton

What causes one person to thrive through challenges while another gets stuck, unable to navigate the constant change and uncertainty that defines our current world? It’s a question that’s become more important than ever in the last few years as we have all been through a collective trauma. From the pandemic and political, racial and social unrest, to the economic roller coaster, the great resignation, working remotely and then coming back to the office, it’s a lot to process. So much has changed about how we live, work and lead.

But in spite of all that has become our norm, many are thriving. That’s because resilience is a skill. The most successful people possess it in abundance, even if they can’t articulate the exact set of traits and habits that give them an advantage in an increasingly dynamic environment. In the face of a challenge, they coach themselves by reflecting on powerful questions that move them forward rather than leaving them stuck. Even more, their resilient approach to problems and opportunities is contagious. Resilient leaders are role models who help build the psychological capital of the teams they lead.

What are they doing that we can all learn from?

1. They choose their mindset intentionally.

Coach yourself: How do I want to show up right now?

When you look back at this time in your career and life, what is the story you want to be able to tell about how you handled the challenges of this season? Make a decision about how you want to show up in your challenge—the character you want to reflect, the values you want to live and the results you ultimately want to get. Maybe it is an opportunity to be more courageous or stretch beyond your typical comfort zone or connect more meaningfully in your relationships. Show up in a way that reflects the person you want to become.

2. They are flexible and agile.

Coach yourself: What might be another pathway to the goal?

A hallmark of resilience is the ability to change direction, go with the flow and move forward, especially when it would be easier to stay stuck in the past. Sometimes things don’t go according to plan—not even the best plans. The question is, can you find another way to the goal? Can you adjust the goal? Are you willing to drop the goal when starting over is the wisest option? Resilient people never lose sight of the vision and they know there is more than one way to get there.

3. They find the message in the mess.

Coach yourself: What message is this problem sending me?

Resilient people don’t get stuck ruminating on the problem. They know how to analyze a problem and find workable solutions, but they go a step beyond that. They look for the message the problem is sending. Deep down they know problems are messengers. To prevent problems from recurring they look for the message in it and use the message to inform their approach going forward.

4. They know joy gives them strength.

Coach yourself: What cultivates positive emotion for me?

We often buy into the myth that success will bring us happiness. In fact, we pursue goals, whether in our careers, relationships, health or finances because we believe the goal will make us happier. Typically, it gives a boost, but that boost wears off. Research shows we’ve got it a bit backwards. It’s not success that causes happiness, but the other way around. Happiness actually causes success. Those with more positive emotion over time are more likely to get promoted and get raises, live longer, have lasting, long-term relationships, get sick less often and even make better decisions.

So, when the going gets tough, the resilient find ways to have fun, take breaks, and make time for what’s meaningful. Positive emotion expands your ability to deal with adversity and stress, says Dr. Barbara Frederickson of the University of North Carolina, one of the foremost researchers on positive emotions.

5. They don’t just go through challenges; they grow through them.

Coach yourself: What is the opportunity in my challenge?

One of the quickest ways to build resilience is to develop a growth mindset, a concept developed by the work of Dr. Carol Dweck at Stanford University. A growth mindset believes that even if you’ve never dealt with a particular challenge before, with effort, you can develop the skills to meet the challenge. The key is to look for the opportunity for growth rather than beating yourself up if you don’t already possess those skills.

6. They don’t go it alone.

Coach yourself: Who is in my hive?

“Other people matter.” It was a mantra my graduate school professor, the late psychologist and acclaimed researcher Dr. Chris Peterson, used to repeat as he taught on strengths, flourishing and resilience. At the end of the day, relationships make us stronger. The more we cultivate healthy teams, families and friendships, the easier it is to weather the unexpected and thrive through challenges. Who has “been there, done that” and can advise you? Who can you impact by leading by example with resilience?