The Insecurity Dynamic

By Nona Jones

As a leader of people and teams, I make a lot of decisions, some of which impact my teams as a whole and some of which impact individuals. When a decision will affect the people I lead, I do my best to check in with them and address their questions and concerns. I want them to know that even if a decision might hurt them in the short term, I have made that decision with the goal of helping them in the long term. If it will cost them budget dollars or require postponing an exciting project, I try my best to take their thoughts and feelings into account. But there is a big difference between working to bring people along after making a decision and needing people’s approval before taking action.

I once had a manager who needed people’s approval before taking action, and it drained the life out of me and the team. She was so afraid to fall out of favor with people that she never took big risks. If one of us suggested a big bet, something that would require a major investment of time and money on the front end but had the potential to reap a major reward, she would smile, nod and say, “Love this! Let me think about it and circle back.” From there, silence. No response. If I or a colleague brought it up in a meeting, she would change the subject or give us an excuse for why she had delayed a decision.

I later found out from a mutual friend that she had been put into that leadership role because she caught the eye of a senior leader who recommended her for management. She had never managed people or a budget before and was deathly afraid of making a decision that might cost her that senior leader’s favor. She had secured her identity to the insecure foundation of climbing the corporate ladder. When our identity foundation is secure, we look to God; when it is insecure, we look to others.

This is true even when we have strong convictions about something. For example, you post on social media about an issue that means a lot to you. If it doesn’t get enough likes within the first few minutes, you begin to doubt yourself and delete it.

You feel God calling you to become a missionary overseas, but when you share your excitement with your family and they furrow their eyebrows in disapproval, you backtrack and say, “Well, it’s just something I was thinking about but probably won’t do.”

A major career opportunity arises that seems great on paper—more money, impressive title, bigger office—but an uneasy feeling leads you to share it with your friends and colleagues in hopes that their affirmations will cancel out your uneasy feeling so you can move ahead anyway.

Something like that happened to me once. A major career opportunity came my way, but it felt wrong from the beginning. When I prayed for clarity, God made it known almost immediately that it was not his will. The problem was that the opportunity would have considerably heightened my profile as a tech executive and entrepreneur. Even though God had said no, I still spoke with at least a dozen friends and colleagues to get their input. They all thought it was a great opportunity.

So what did I do? I forged ahead. I went through multiple rounds of interviews with various investors until something said in the final interview brought me back to myself. The conversation had been going great when one of the investors said, “So, I see you’re a pastor.”

“Yes, I pastor a church with my husband,” I responded.

“That’s an interesting combination for a tech CEO,” the investor said. “I think you would need to downplay that to be successful.”

“Downplay my faith?” I asked.

“Well, yeah,” he said. “That would probably freak out a lot of venture capitalists, and we’re going to need them to get this company to IPO.”

In that moment it became clear why God had said no from the beginning. Although I would have become one of very few Black women tech CEOs, accepting the position would have increased my professional standing in the eyes of others, but it would have cost me my witness as a follower of Jesus Christ.

After the interview I reflected on the investor’s belief that I would have to downplay my faith to secure the venture capitalists needed to get to IPO (initial public offering). The more I thought about it, the more Jonathan’s words rang in my mind: “Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few” (1 Samuel 14:6). I didn’t need a venture capitalist; I needed the God who gives the power to produce wealth in the first place (Deuteronomy 8:18).

I opened my email, typed the names of the search committee members in the “To” line, and wrote “Thank You” in the subject line. In the email, I wrote, “Thank you for considering me for this incredible opportunity. It is an honor to be considered, and I hope you find the right person for this because, upon reflection, that is not me. My faith is not an accessory that I wear; it is who I am. I cannot lead a company without being led by the Lord.” Several members of the committee asked me to reconsider, but my decision was final.

Maybe you have never faced the choice of pleasing people by accepting a CEO role or honoring God by turning it down, but I bet you have faced similar challenges.

Perhaps it was the time a group of parents from your child’s school started gossiping about other parents, then turned to you and said, “Did you see Deborah’s V-neck at the Christmas program? I mean, could it go any deeper?” While the rest of the group shook their heads and rolled their eyes in agreement, they turned to watch your reaction. A simple nod and smile was all it would have taken to fit in and be approved of by those parents, but you chose to excuse yourself from the conversation to honor God and speak ill of no one.

Or maybe your father kept pressuring you to marry your ex-boyfriend because he was a “good man.” Although you love your father dearly and thrive on his approval, your ex always diminished your accomplishments and undermined your confidence. You chose to disappoint your father because you know God created you to experience a love that heals, not hurts.

Perhaps you felt God leading you to quit your job and go into ministry full-time, but friends and family asked, “Why would you leave a sure thing for something that may fail in two months? How are you going to pay your bills?” Their questions sowed seeds of fear and doubt in your heart, but because you know the voice of God, you decided to trust him with the unknown details and go into ministry.

For my part, unlike Jonathan, who heard God’s voice and obeyed without hesitation, I heard God’s voice and filtered it through the opinions of others, people to whom I wanted to matter. Looking back, I realize I continued down the path of that career opportunity because I longed for others to know that wealthy, powerful people wanted and valued me. I wanted them to see me as successful. I wanted to hear them say, “Wow, that’s amazing!” which to me equated to them saying, “Wow, you’re amazing.” The power of people’s approval is intoxicating when you feel powerless to measure up.

Looking only at my résumé, you’d think I was one of the most secure people on earth. I’ve held executive roles across multiple sectors since I was twenty-three, including a visible leadership role with the world’s largest social network. I’ve launched and led multiple successful entrepreneurial ventures. I’ve written bestselling books and regularly keynote major leadership conferences on multiple continents. As a Bible teacher, I travel the world preaching in multicultural contexts. Given how much I have accomplished and experienced, you may think what I am about to say is a bit strange.

Nothing I have accomplished has ever made me feel permanently and fully secure and affirmed. No position I’ve held, no platform I’ve spoken on, and no award I’ve won—past or present—has made me feel secure and affirmed because there is always someone else who’s “better” than me.

When I received one of Florida Trend magazine’s 30 Under 30 Florida All Stars awards, people were more impressed by the 19-year-old self-made millionaire entrepreneur than they were by me, a 27-year-old utility executive. Mind you, the next youngest person on the utility company’s executive team was old enough to be my mother, and I was the only African American. But in the context of achieving success at an early age, my success didn’t rate as high as others’ did.

Although the role I hold at Facebook has allowed for a level of prominence within the faith community, I’m reminded that there are people in the same sphere with anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions more followers on the same social platforms, making them more influential than I am. And even though I have been blessed to speak on some incredible platforms, every time I do, another speaker inevitably introduces me to an even larger platform of which I had been unaware. That’s how I know that nothing I achieve will ever be enough to make me feel secure. Achievement is an insecure foundation.

AVAIL: You are pretty transparent in your book about your struggles with identity and self-confidence. How has this uniquely affected your leadership journey?

NONA: For many years in my career, I felt like an imposter because I was often the youngest leader in the room. I’ve come to realize that imposter syndrome is simply an outgrowth of insecurity. At its core, insecurity is the result of securing your identity to an insecure foundation. An insecure foundation is anything that is subject to the approval or opinions of other people. In retrospect, I can see how insecurity became the fuel for so much of what I achieved early on. The desire to be seen as valuable by others often pushed me to work harder and longer than my peers simply because I hoped that, on the other side of that hard work, I would receive validation.

AVAIL: Some leaders probably secretly think that comparison is something that won’t be a problem for them once they achieve the success they desire. What would you say to that?

NONA: One of the paradoxes of success is that success doesn’t have a period, it only has commas. We often think that, if I achieve X then I will feel confident and secure, but the problem becomes that after you achieve X, you suddenly realize that there is a Y. It goes on and on and on without end, and this is why we have to learn to be fully secure in God regardless of what we do or do not have. The greater your success, the more exposure you gain to people who are more successful and so higher levels of success can often result in higher levels of insecurity unless you know who you are in God and secure your identity to that truth.

AVAIL: Sometimes seeing others’ success can be motivating to us to aspire to bigger things, but what are some of the signs when this becomes unhealthy? 

NONA: When we see another person’s success and it activates our potential, that is healthy comparison. Healthy comparison inspires us. Healthy comparison can push us into greatness. Conversely, if we see another person’s success and it leaves us feeling like we’re not good enough, that is toxic comparison. Signs of toxic comparison include thinking you’re not good enough, thinking someone else is your competition, thinking someone else’s success is your failure. Other signs of toxic comparison include feeling angry when you see someone else win at life and feeling sad when someone else achieves what you desire for yourself.

AVAIL: A common thread in your book is the influence of social media on our mental health and wellness. What are some things you’ve done to maintain balance in your use of social media?

NONA: Social media is often blamed for causing insecurity, but I don’t believe that, and here’s why. Two people can see the exact same post, but one person could walk away from it inspired and the other person can walk away from it expired. While I do believe that social media exposes our insecurity, I don’t believe that it’s the source. The source of our insecurity is believing lies that we’re not good enough in comparison to someone else. We have to guard our eyes in order to guard our heart when it comes to social media. That means unfollow anyone who triggers your insecurity. That means muting anyone’s content that triggers your insecurity.

AVAIL: Some leaders have simply decided to not leverage social media due to the downsides. Do you think this is becoming less and less of an option—kind of like refusing to use email?

NONA: The way that I encourage leaders to think about social media is to ask yourself, if you knew that 80% of your target audience lived in one ZIP Code in your town, would you have a presence there? I would assume yes, and because of this being absent from platforms that represent anywhere from 80 to 90% of the people you are trying to connect with isn’t the most strategic decision. We need to be where people are and engage with them in ways that add value to their lives.

AVAIL: I don’t want you to compare yourself, but who are some of your inspirations—people who challenge you to become a more effective leader?

NONA: My greatest leadership inspiration comes from the people I have the privilege of leading, whether in real life through my work or online through my followers. I feel an immense responsibility to show up and give my best to them, which means that I commit to being a perpetual student of leadership and a perpetual student of the life of Jesus. For me there is no greater example of leadership than Him, a man who didn’t go to the synagogues or seminaries of that day to identify His disciples. Instead, He went to the most common places, even places that were scorned by the religious leaders of the day, and He identified people who were willing to follow Him. In response to their “yes,” he poured His life into them and gave His life for them. That is true leadership. Servant leadership.