The Cycle of Comparison

By Adam F. Jones

In 2011, Bronnie Ware published a book about her time as a palliative care nurse. She documented the five biggest regrets people expressed on their death beds. The No 1. regret of those who were going to pass away was, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

What do you think causes us to compare so critically? Is it how we were trained to aim for perfection? Is it that the world teaches us what to do, what to wear and how to communicate based on social pressure and cultural norms?

What causes us to see in others, specifically, what we don’t see in ourselves?

Recently, I went to Pittsburgh with my wife to grab a snack, and as we walked into the store, the owner asked me if I was Army—my tattoo is a dead giveaway. I said, “Yep, and you?” I could tell he had some military background, so I knew what the answer was going to be.

He replied, “Yeah, man.”

We chatted about how long he was in, what he did and how he likes being a business owner. Then, all of a sudden, these words came out of his mouth: “I was only a truck driver.” I couldn’t believe it! I had heard that same sentiment from at least 200 other veterans and military members I’d chatted with over the years: “I was only [fill in the blank].” In his case, it was, “I was only a truck driver.” But what about you? What causes you to feel like you didn’t do enough?

I think for veterans, first responders and other public servants, what we’ve done is never enough because we are always seeing what we didn’t do, or we’re seeing what other people have done. We are stuck in a cycle of comparison. As we progress through the ranks or up the ladder, we just compare ourselves to where we could be or to the next person, a higher rank or a better leader. Instead of being challenged and inspired by them, we just shift into comparison mode.

The cycle of comparison steals our joy. It removes any chance of feeling confident and grateful because we only see what we don’t have.

When that business owner said he was only a truck driver, I encouraged him. He knew I was a former captain, which is probably why he said it. I didn’t even say I was a pilot because that would have probably only added to any sense of shame or regret he was har­boring in his heart.

Another guy I met said he was shot at multiple times as a convoy driver in the Marines, but he didn’t return fire. He beat himself up with the fact that, even though he deployed, even though he was a jacked Marine, he’d never shot at an enemy. And he said this caused him to feel like he never “got in the fight.”

How many people feel that they didn’t do enough and can’t appre­ciate the small steps in the story of their life?

When I got out of the military, I remember telling people I had never deployed. The second I’d say that, my shoulders would slump, my voice would become monotone and it was like all my other accom­plishments didn’t matter. Who cared if I was a Black Hawk helicopter pilot and company commander? That’s not enough.

One day in prayer, I felt a moment of certainty and peace that impressed upon me a message that I’m going to say was from God because I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. At that moment, I heard in the core of my spirit, “Adam, why do you think I needed you to deploy? I didn’t need you to deploy.”

When I heard that, I immediately saw the bigger picture. I didn’t need to deploy because it wasn’t the plan for my life. Could I have forced my own plans? Of course. But it didn’t need to happen for me to become the man I was created to be or to serve the people I was being prepared to serve. At that moment, the cycle of comparison was weakened in my life. Like me, you don’t need to feel this way forever, and neither does your spouse.

WHAT I’M NOT SAYING

• I’m not saying don’t compete or attempt to level up in life.
• I’m not saying don’t be your best.
• I’m not saying stay comfortable and hide in your comfort zone.
• I’m not saying that other people’s achievements aren’t notable and shouldn’t be applauded. Recognizing them doesn’t make your accomplishment any less monumental.
• I’m not saying that you should not be competitive, work to grow and become a good example for other people to follow.
• I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel encouraged by other peo­ple’s growth and challenged by their example.
• I’m not saying that it’s all about you or trying to help you feel better while putting others down. We don’t beat the cycle of comparison by comparing different categories in our life where we’re the obvious “winner.”

WHAT I AM SAYING

• I am saying that comparison is the thief of all joy.
• I am saying that comparing your worst to someone else’s best is not a fair measurement. You would never tell someone else to look at life this way, so why would you?
• I am saying that you could lead an organization of ten people. Someone else could lead an organization of 100, and they’re both equally significant. One might have a further reach, and that is awesome, but it doesn’t mean one life is more signif­icant than another.
• I am saying that we should see the strengths in others, and we should tell them what we see in them.
• I am saying that we should unapologetically be who we are. We should radiate with a contagious confidence that other people can feel and are attracted to because we know who we are, and we know what we bring to the table.

KEY INDICATORS OF THE CYCLE OF COMPARISON

Possibly the saddest thing about the cycle of comparison—and its ability to deter delay and dissuade us from walking in our purpose and connecting to our core identity—is that it causes us to feel that we need to apologize for who we are. It causes us to lose the opportunity to connect and collaborate with others because we are consumed with feelings of inadequacy, so we operate with a mentality of scarcity.

We know we are succumbing to the cycle of comparison if we feel JUDGED:

• Jealous
• Unfulfilled
• Depleted
• Greedy
• Exhausted
• Distant

It’s OK; you can admit it.

Sometimes, you see someone else’s success, and it only pisses you off and makes you feel more behind. I get it; I was there too. I thought if someone my age or with my experience had the rank, title, stage or success that I was working toward, then it either meant that I didn’t have what it took or that they were getting in my way.

I would see another pilot who had the same experience execute maneuvers with such precision, and it caused me to miss out on the pleasure of the flight. As a business owner working in direct sales, I would see someone else’s success and only feel jealous instead of proud of their results. The next time you judge or feel like you’re being judged, remember that it’s most likely the cycle of compar­ison trying to stop you from enjoying what is. It’s trying to steal your attention and cause you to focus on the 10 percent that’s missing from your life instead of the 90 percent that’s right there in front of you.

I know the cycle of comparison was tearing me up inside because I just felt like, despite any achievement, it wasn’t enough. I constantly saw someone else’s success and was reminded of what I didn’t have. Instead of celebrating their win, I would distance myself from them. I wanted to trade stories. Now, I know better, but back then, I couldn’t see past the weapon.

How often has your joy been stolen because your default is to see the gap between your situation and someone else’s success? How fre­quently do you feel judged because you’ve made choices that are true to your heart but seem countercultural? Break the cycle of comparison, live genuinely and relish that 90 percent.