Friends and Frenemies

When Dad’s war ended, ours began. After fighting the Nazis, he came home in 1945 to West Texas, where my siblings and I became his little platoon. He was an unyielding drill sergeant who took no prisoners. 

Having grown up in the Depression and then experiencing the horrors of war, he was determined that we were going to learn to take care of ourselves. But if his motivation was love, he sure had a strange way of showing it. Frankly, if anyone practiced his kind of parenting these days, they would be in police custody in the blink of an eye.

Dad had us work seven days a week in his various businesses, where our efforts were never good enough. If any of us kids stepped out of line even the teeniest bit, we would get a beating—all of us. As the seventh youngest, I soon got tired of receiving a whipping for some minor infraction by one of my older brothers. I knew that if we were to survive, we had to find a way of dealing with the old man without setting him off.

Instead of provoking conflict, I began to seek connection. By the time he died when I was just 17, he and I had developed some level of friendship where once there had only been fighting.

Decades later, I look back on my early years with mixed feelings. My father certainly had a lot of shortcomings, but from where I am now, I can also see the ways he shaped me for my future. I wouldn’t be the man I am today—pastor, leader, husband, friend—without some of the lessons I learned from Dad. 

Most of us have suffered some sort of hurt in our families, at some stage, because of tough relationships. But we don’t just have to deal with them at home. We are going to come across difficult people at work and in the community. They are there in church, too. Like that old poem says:

To dwell above with saints we love,
well that will be such glory;
but to dwell below with saints we know,
that's a different story.

However, the simple fact is that, wherever we encounter them, difficult people can play an important part in our lives, if we will let them. Sometimes we must face an adversary if we are to rise up to the next level God has for us, whether that’s in church leadership, in business, or in our homes.

That was certainly true for David—more than once! First, there was Goliath. This Philistine giant was a clear and evident enemy, but there would also be opposition much closer to home.

Though David had been anointed king of Israel, there was someone else on the throne. Saul was so threatened by the young shepherd boy who played a mean harp that he tried to kill him by throwing a javelin at him. David had to run from the palace even though he was in line for the throne.

David’s adversaries forced him to dig deep into his character, to forge something of steel that would prove crucial when he did finally reach the position that was rightfully his.

We all need that same kind of challenge. Mine came from my father. Who has been your biggest adversary?

Running from difficulty

I didn’t have to dodge a spear from the leader I was serving, like David, but I faced my own challenges in my early years of ministry. The senior pastor at the church where I was hired on to do youth ministry was a real old-school type. The boys in the church’s Christian school had to wear long pants at all times—even when on the basketball court! Needless to say, by the third quarter they would be so hot they would be dragging. No wonder we never won a game against other schools.

Even though I’d be out until late at night with youth group activities, the pastor expected me to turn up for work at eight o’clock sharp the next morning. We were the only church around I knew of where we had to punch a clock, and he told me if I was late he would dock my pay accordingly. Much as I chafed under all this, and people encouraged me to get out, I didn’t feel it was right to leave. I hung in there and tried to serve him well. In due time we even became sort of friends. And looking back, I learned a lot from him about leadership—even if much of it comes under the category of what not to do!

However, most of us avoid difficult relationships if we can. We don’t like conflict, so we steer clear of or withdraw from people with whom we clash, if at all possible. Who needs that kind of negativity? The most common reason we run from difficult relationships is probably because we think things should come easy. Instant answers to every question from Google, same-day delivery for online shopping, in some places. It’s become part of the American way—forget sweat and effort, we get trophies just for showing up.

That sort of mentality has even crept into the church. So many Christians seem to think that salvation is some kind of Willy Wonka Golden Ticket giving them access to constant blessings. That has certainly not been my life experience, nor do I find it to be that way in the Bible.

Don’t misunderstand me, life with God is good! He works miracles in and through us. He leads us into abundant life. But it isn’t perfect, because we live in an imperfect world, marred by sin.

With a large church, we have a funeral almost once a week. Among the services I led recently was one for a dear friend who took his own life, and another for a sweet teenage girl killed in a car wreck. How can you make sense of things like that? There is no easy answer. Yet I am convinced that, because He is so creative and kind, God is somehow able to take and use even hard things—and hard people—for good.

Welcoming an adversary

Like David, Joseph faced opposition on his way to his destiny. Some might argue that the first resistance he faced—his brothers—was of his own making. When the teenage Joseph told his siblings about the dream he had, in which they were stars bowing down to him, they were not happy (to say the least).

They threw their kid brother into a pit, and then they sold him to some passing traders for twenty shekels of silver. Joseph’s life was clearly going in the wrong direction! And his roller-coaster ride continued when he arrived in Egypt.

First, he found favor after being sold to Potiphar, Pharaoh’s head guy. Pleased with his work, Potiphar put Joseph in charge of all his household, until Mrs. Potiphar took a liking to the young man and falsely accused him of attacking her when he resisted her advances. From there Joseph found himself thrown into prison, where he languished for some time before finally being freed and appointed to Pharaoh’s side.

Each adversary and adversity along the way worked something deep in Joseph, helping mold him into the man who would rescue his brothers when they came to him in their time of desperate need—bowing before him just as he had spoken years earlier. Each situation ushered Joseph one step closer to his destiny.

Our greatest example in dealing with difficult people is Jesus, naturally. He faced opposition from His birth when Herod tried to have him killed. Jesus would eventually die at the hands of others, but not until God’s appointed time. Ultimately, Jesus was betrayed by one of his inner circle, one of the disciples He had walked with and nurtured for three years. Not only that, but Judas used an intimate gesture, a kiss, to identify Him to the mob that had come to arrest Him.

But consider this: through His difficult relationship with Judas, Jesus would reach His destiny, the cross. Like Joseph and like David, Jesus had to face an adversary to get where He needed to be. So do we, but how do you view those people?

Consider the way Jesus greeted His betrayer.

“Friend,” he said, according to Matthew 26:50.

That is amazing. Even in this difficult encounter, Jesus could be welcoming, in a way.

There is a great lesson for us to learn here. How do we handle the difficult people in our lives, who may be instrumental in our reaching the destination God has in mind for us, if we will let them? 

Handling hard people

Everyone has to deal with difficult people at some stage. Leaders have to face them more, though, by nature of their position and responsibility—it just comes with the job!

Some of these challenging types seek you out because you’re the one in charge, and they want you to know what they think. But on occasions, you have to step in when you see difficult people causing problems in your church and organization—like the apostle Paul did, in his letter to the Philippians. He called out Euodia and Syntyche and begged them to settle their differences because he knew their disunity would infect the rest of the church.

It’s not your role to have to deal with every awkward person that comes along, however. Clear and healthy boundaries—a board of elders, a committee, a policy document—can protect you from unnecessary conflicts. Criticisms and complaints can be directed to the relevant group, saving you from having to deal with everyone personally.

That said, there will be times when, as a leader, it is your role and duty to step up or step in and handle that difficult person. When you do:

Be discerning. Ask for God’s wisdom to understand what drives them to be the way they are. In 1 John 4:1 we are cautioned to “test the spirits.” Ask yourself whether this conflict or issue is a hill you really need to die on. Can you comprise without capitulating?

Be attentive. Try to emulate St. Francis of Assisi, who prayed “not so much to be understood as to understand.” Listen to what people are really seeing. While they talk about one thing, the real issue could be something else completely.

Be cautious. Many times we are too quick to rush to judgment about someone without knowing their situation and circumstances. Maybe that grumpy person is tired from caring for a sick relative or struggling because of some other undisclosed hardship.

Be humble. Check your ego at the door. There is often some small element of truth in even the most extreme criticism. Your posture can affect theirs. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Be proactive. Look for ways to accommodate them without surrendering. If you say you are going to do something, be sure to do it. Demonstrate you are not just paying them lip service.

Be firm. At the end of the day, you may need to tell them no, or to give them clear directions they don’t like. You might have to challenge their behavior and tell them they need to stop treating you unfairly. If so, be unapologetic, be unambiguous, and be adamant. 

Be peaceful. Difficult people are draining. After you’ve had an encounter with one, be kind to yourself. Take time to debrief; review your interaction and evaluate how you handled the situation. Then de-stress: go for a walk, take in a movie. Give your heart and your brain some space to recover.

By definition, leading difficult people is never easy. But, then, no one ever said it was! Though it’s no fun, dealing with them well can be a blessing in disguise, as it helps shape you more into the leader God wants you to be—more compassionate, more confident, more courageous.

This article was extracted from Issue 1 (Spring 2020) of the AVAIL Journal. Claim your free annual subscription here.